17 August 2008
"Always play at the top of your intelligence."
Del Close
16 August 2008
So I've been reading Livy's account of the second Punic War between the Romans and the Carthaginians (third century BCE) featuring everybody's favorite elephant-friendly military strongman, Hannibal. Doing a little outside research to answer a few question Livy did not, I learned that Hannibal means "Ba'al has given me grace," which makes it one of the coolest names I've ever heard.
The funny thing is, Biblical names are all the rage in this superstitious nation, and yet not a single breeder has the good sense to name their baby after Ba'al? I'm disappointed.
It sure does add an extra dimension to the A-Team though.
15 August 2008
"Familiar evils are the most tolerable."
Livy
14 August 2008
"Conservatives say that if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money."
George Carlin
13 August 2008
"Politics is so corrupt even the dishonest people get fucked."
George Carlin
12 August 2008
"Hard work is for people short on talent."
George Carlin
11 August 2008
An actual one-sided conversation I overheard on the bus:
"Hello? Yeah, hi, I found this cell phone on the street and I was trying to find out whose it was so I could return it. Yeah, I was just standing at a bus stop and all of a sudden this cell phone comes flying out of a car window, so I went over and picked it up. What? Oh, I found this number by going through the address book. Yeah, I've tried a couple of different numbers. Yeah, I was just standing there and it came flying out of a window. Your daughter? Really? Oh, what's her name? Julie? So, did you want me to come drop it off? No, really, it's no problem. She's at work? Oh, where does she work? Oh yeah? Which one? Hmm, well should I just drop it off at her work? Maybe you could call me back. I’ll just keep this phone on and you can call me here. What? Well, that may be a problem – I’ve got this electronic bracelet so I kind of have some, uh, time limitations. I could just drop it off at her work though; I’m pretty close to there right now. No? OK, well just have Julie give me a call. OK, thanks. Bye."
10 August 2008
The moment I entered the bus I was greeted with the shrill sound of a screaming infant. The baby’s young father hadn't the slightest idea what it wanted or how to shut it up. I thought my head may very well explode. Two seats back sat a couple of twenty-something hippie chicks reeking of marijuana and patchouli oil. Visibly high and full of good cheer they began making a spectacle of themselves in order to amuse the baby, hoping that would calm it down.
"Hey, baby – blazzablazzablazzablazzablazza!! GlabbaDabbaHabbaShabba!! Woogadoogawoogadoogawooga!!" yelled one of the hippies while waving her arms above her head, sticking out her tongue and shaking her head rapidly. This caused her friend to burst into hysterics, but it only made the baby angrier, or whatever its problem was. Undaunted, the hippies kept this up for about fifteen minutes.
Meanwhile there was a man behind me who began coughing in a repetitive rhythm, "Hacck! Ghhuh! Chhhup! Hacck! Ghhuh! Chhup!" This went on for at least a minute, which doesn't sound like a very long time unless, that is, you happened to be there. I started to worry that he may be choking to death, but then he settled down, at least momentarily. He began mumbling to himself, repeating the word "secretary" over and over again. As the sound of the crying baby and babbling hippies increased in volume so did he, and as he did so his voice raised in pitch until he seemed to be singing in falsetto. I wished I'd remembered to pack aspirin that day.
One of the hippies pulled the cord to stop the bus. As they were exiting and making their final funny faces at the shrieking baby, a horrible smell began to waft through the bus and the baby quieted.
"See, I knew we could make the baby happy," said one hippie to the other.
I, however, theorized that the baby had taken an unholy dump in its diaper, which somehow seemed to comfort the child into silence. As luck would have it, the outside temperature was about ninety degrees and since we were aboard an older bus without air conditioning, the temperature inside was sweltering. The stench certainly didn't help matters any. I started breathing through my mouth.
A frazzled old woman boarded and sat next to the man and his kid. "Oh, what a cute baby!" she said. "Ugh, it smells like broccoli in here!"
"Yeah, it sort of does," said the tired looking young father.
"Well I HATE broccoli!!"
I got off the bus and laughed so hard that my headache went away.
9 August 2008
"I do NOT have a small dick! Well that's what it sounds like you're saying…"
I love it when people get in heated arguments on their cell phones, oblivious to the fact that they're in public. Boarding the bus at a transit station there was already a twenty-something man sitting in the backmost seat, yelling through his cell phone at what I assumed to be his girlfriend.
"What? What did you say? Will you tell your kids to shut the fuck up? I can’t hear a goddamn thing you’re saying."
The bus began to fill up and as it did so the sound of snickering was sprinkled throughout. Eavesdropping is fun.
"I swear, people always talk about child abuse, but what those kids need is a good old-fashioned ass-kicking!"
There were a few audible gasps among the increasing laughter.
"Sure, I'll take your kids to McDonaldland, but I'm going to have to hang out in the parking lot and have some smoke time. That way when your kids get in the car they'll get a second-hand high and shut the fuck up."
I accidentally made eye contact with a girl sitting next to me and we both started laughing out loud. Another woman didn’t think it was so funny. She stood up, looked and the man and scolded, "Could you keep it down PLEASE?"
"Sorry," said the man before returning to his phone call. "Yeah, people on the bus are yelling at me to keep it down. I keep having to talk louder because your goddamned kids won't shut up. What? I SAID I have to keep talking louder because your kids are screaming! WHAT? Oh, I'll just call you back when I get off the bus."
With that he clicked off the phone and was silent for the rest of the ride. I was disappointed.
8 August 2008
I climbed on the bus and saw twenty people smile up at me, which is always a good sign of comedy to come. Within a minute, I understood what the smirks were all about. There was a drunken, thirty-something white trash piece of work sitting in the backmost seat wearing a matching NASCAR tank top and hat. Next to him sat the sobbing object of his affections, a pregnant girl wearing a neck brace who appeared to be about seventeen.
The man was chatting loudly on his cell phone. "Yeah momma, we'll drop by there on the way."
The woman erupted, "Why do we have to go to your mom"s house? You never come with me to visit my mom!" She cried harder.
The man cupped the phone to his chest and said, "Shut up! I'm trying to talk to my momma? Why you gotta be such a bitch all the time?" He resumed his conversation with his mother. "Sorry, momma, I gotta go. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with her. See you soon. Love you. OK, bye."
The teenaged girl was shrieking hysterically at this point and the bus driver spoke to the couple over the loudspeaker, "Uh, could you two please keep it down?"
The man began scolding his young mate. "See, look what you did. You're gonna get us kicked off the bus."
"But I don'’t want to visit your mom! Why can't we go see my mom?"
"Why you always screaming at me? I don't visit your momma because your momma hates me!"
At this point the driver pulled into a transit station, hopped off the bus and made a beeline for the security officer who happened to be puttering around staring at girls. I watched out the window to see their quick discussion, replete with much pointing and motioning towards the back of the bus. The driver and security guard climbed aboard and the latter sat up front to get a handle on the situation.
Meanwhile the couple in the back was still arguing over whose mother took precedence. "We're gonna go see my momma and that's final!" yelled the drunken man.
The security guard took this opportunity to strut to the back of the bus and have a word with the noisy pair. "Hey guys, I'm going to have to ask you to tone it down, OK?"
"It's all his fault!" honked the teenager before breaking down into another heaving fit of weeping.
"Don't listen to her officer. I'm sorry," slurred the man. "I'm just all stressed out and we had some drinks and it won't happen again."
"OK, because if you keep it up we're going to have to ask you to get off the bus and we don't want to have to do that."
"I understand. Thanks, officer."
As soon as the security guard walked away the man muttered under his breath, "fucking cocksucker." He then began yelling at his lady friend once again. "See what you did? You're trying to get us kicked off the bus and then we'll have to walk to my momma's house. Is that what you want?"
The security guard, who had just sat back down, stood up again and walked back to the passive aggressive man and his pregnant Lolita. "Guys, this is your last chance."
"I'm sorry," apologized the man. We're getting off in just a couple of stops. I'm really sorry. I've just been under a lot of stress."
The security guard nodded and paced slowly up the aisle to his seat near the driver. The man scowled at his girlfriend and shook his head. She pulled the cord to request that the driver stop, then walked up towards the front doors.
The man stumbled out through the back doors grumbling to himself. "Fucking ass hole cops…"
As the girl was getting ready to exit the bus she turned to the driver and tried to keep down her tears as she apologized. "I'm really sorry about all that," she said.
"Don't worry about it," said the driver, "but are you OK?"
"Yeah," she sighed before slowly making her way down the steps where the man was waiting for her.
"Hey driver, I just want to say I'm really sorry. I’m just stressed out and we had some drinks and I’m really sorry."
The driver nodded, closed the doors and pulled out into the street. I watched out the window as the couple continued to scream at one another. A woman sitting up front mused aloud to the driver and security guard, "You know, it just makes you wonder if he's the one that gave her that neck brace."
"Who knows?" said the driver. "But I sure wouldn't doubt it."
7 August 2008
Early one overcast Sunday morning J. and I were taking the bus downtown when a pear-shaped fifty-something woman with a tree branch jutting out of her nappy perm and a Disney-themed sweater wrapped around her ample belly wandered up to the front and made an announcement.
"Hey everybody, I have this newspaper. I pulled out the TV Guide, the business section and the comics and that's all I need. Anyone want the rest?"
Nobody said anything.
"OK, well I'll just leave it up here," she said as she dumped it in a pile on one of the front seats. "It's a brand new paper – it just came out today…"
6 August 2008
A rotund teenage couple boarded the bus and sat in the back. As soon as they were settled the male belched at great volume and his girlfriend cackled maniacally. It was actually pretty disgusting and so I hoped that it was an isolated incident, just an accident that couldn't be controlled, and that they were laughing to try to make light of an embarrassing public display of esophageal incontinence. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The male continues belching at regular intervals and each time he did the girl's laughter became more crazed and prolonged.
After what seemed like an eternity I arrived at my stop. Relieved, I pulled the cord to stop the bus. The driver slowed down and called out the location. "Library."
"Duh! Like we don’t know that!" yelled the girl. The male guffawed and let off the loudest belch yet as the couple waddled off the bus behind me. Following me into the library the girl held the door for her boyfriend and as soon as he entered he belched with all of his might. It echoed throughout the building. I shuddered, grabbed the books I had on hold and made a beeline for the somewhat fresher air outside.
5 August 2008
As the bus pulled up to a stop, a long-haired twenty-something man in a well-worn Budweiser T-shirt stood up from the bench and meandered towards the door while pushing a baby stroller. A cigarette dangled precariously from his lower lip and three dirty toddlers, presumably under his care, fell in line behind him. Taking a deep drag, he flicked the still-burning butt into a neighboring yard and levered the stroller's handles, balancing the stroller on its back wheels at a forty-five degree angle in an attempt to roll the infant up the stairs and into the bus.
"Hello! Um, you need to take the baby out of the carriage while boarding," the driver said cheerfully.
The man stopped, dropped his shoulders and exhaled dramatically, puffing the last of the cigarette smoke from his lungs and into the stuffy bus. "When in the hell did y'all come up with that rule," he asked, clearly annoyed.
"That's been the rule as long as I've worked here," replied the driver.
"What the hell for?"
"It's a safety issue -- Tri-Met doesn't want to be responsible if the carriage tips over. We wouldn't want your baby to get hurt."
"Well that's BULLSHIT!" whined the man. "That's just straight-up bull shit. You go on ahead. I'll just wait for the next bus."
"OK, but it doesn't come for another half hour and they'll probably tell you the same thing."
"Yeah? We'll just see about that," he muttered as he rolled the stroller back towards the bench with one hand and pulled a cigarette from his pocket with the other. The trio of toddlers ambled after him.
As the driver pulled away from the curb she spoke out loud to no one in particular, "Jeeze! Excuse me for trying to keep you from dumping your baby into the street."
4 August 2008
Fun Fact:
Before writing and directing Night of the Living Dead (1968), George Romero worked as a cameraman filming segments for Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.
3 August 2008
The Wit and Wisdom of H.L. Mencken
Day Ten:
"Epitaph"
If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.
Smart Set (December 1921)
2 August 2008
The Wit and Wisdom of H.L. Mencken
Day Nine:
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
Minority Report: H.L. Mencken's Notebooks
1 August 2008
The Wit and Wisdom of H.L. Mencken
Day Eight:
Public opinion, in its raw state, gushes out in the immemorial form of the mob's fear. It is piped into central factories, and there it is flavoured and coloured and put into cans.
Notes on Democracy (1926)
*****
Check the archive for previous poignant proclamations from Dr. Danny Swank!!